You Won't Take Away My Pride
by snarkysweetness
Summary: “You wont take away my pride. No not this time.” Alice and Sirius share a very dark secret and Alice is having a hard time dealing with her sin. How exactly do you hide a secret that big?


**Title: **You Won't Take Away My Pride **  
Author: **LJ: SnarkySweetness; FF net: SchwartzyLogainne **  
Characters/Pairings: **Alice Prewitt (future Longbottom) and Sirius Black; hints to Alice/Remus and Alice/Frank, but it centers on her, not on any sort of romance. **  
Rating: **Mature. **  
Warnings: **Angst, flashbacks to murder. **  
When: **January of 1978, the Marauders final year. **  
Summary: "**_How can I decide what's right? When you're clouding up my mind. Can't win your losing fight all the time. You wont take away my pride. No not this time." _Alice and Sirius share a very dark secret and Alice is having a hard time dealing with her sin. "_But you think that I can't see hat kind of man that you are, if you're a man at all"._ How exactly do you keep a secret so big hidden?**  
Disclaimer: **Jo owns the 'verse, but Alice's insanity is mine. Also, the lyrics are from Paramore's "Decode". **  
Author's Note: **This is simply the insanity of my brain. It's based off of a plot line in one of my RPG's, but I think I explain the situation pretty well. Song lyrics (Alice's thoughts) are in bold italics, regular thoughts and flashbacks are in italics.

_**But you think that I can't see  
What kind of man that you are  
If you're a man at all**_

_**  
**__She'd left Sirius outside, why had she done that? Oh yes, she didn't need anyone witnessing her father. He was sure to be drunk, even if he wasn't, they would fight, and they always fought. While Sirius was the only one who knew how bad it was, she wanted to spare him the drama. _

_She entered the house warily, reminding herself that Sirius was outside, just in case she needed him. She really hoped it didn't come to that. She prayed that he was sleeping it off at the Black's. He'd been drunk enough when she'd stormed out the night before, she could imagine he'd only gotten worse after she'd left._

_Alice made her way up the stairs quickly, finding her Hogwarts trunk. She began shrinking as much as she could in her bedroom, moving them into her trunk. She didn't plan to ever come back. Her father could have the house, her mother's fortune was still hers, and Alice could get by on her own. After Hogwarts, she would find a small flat somewhere-anywhere that wasn't here. She couldn't deal with it all anymore. Sirius was lucky to have gotten out when he had._

_Alice finished in record time and began dragging her trunk behind her, running right into her father, who had clearly not stopped drinking since the night before. Well, she was glad to know what her family had been up to after she'd left._

_"Where are you going, Alice? It's not time for you to be back at school."_

_"Dad, you smell like you took a bath in Scotch," Alice said, moving past him, she was in no mood to deal with him like this. He was hard enough to deal with when he was sober._

_"Don't talk back to me Alice, I asked you a question, I expect you to answer me, and don't think I haven't forgotten how you embarrassed me in front of the family." He told her, grabbing her arm as Alice neared the top of the stairs._

_Alice pulled her arm away from him, but he had a good hold on her. "Dad, let go of me," Alice warned, she knew fully well how to handle herself with a wand, if she needed to, she was not above cursing her own father- he wasn't much of a father to begin with anyway._

_"Where are you going, Alice?' He asked again._

_"I'm leaving, dad, something I should have done on my seventeenth birthday, so let go of me," Alice cried out, trying to get out of his grip. Damn her petiteness, she was no match for him physically._

_"You really think I'm going to let you leave, Alice? What kind of father would I be if I let you do that?" He tightened his grip on her arm._

_"You've never been one, dad, stop it, you're hurting me," Alice told him, wishing now she'd brought Sirius into the house with her._

_"Good, you could use it, it might teach you to mind your manners and to respect me. What would your mother think if she saw how you've turned out?"_

_At the mention of her mother, Alice's temper rose and she jerked herself away from him, hitting the wall, nearly tripping on the stairs. Her father, on the other hand, flew forward, tripping over her trunk, falling down the stairs. Everything happened so fast, Alice didn't even realize what had happened until she heard a crack._

_"No…no… no… daddy?" Alice called, looking down at the heap that was her father at the bottom of the stairs. He couldn't be… could he?_

_"SIRIUS!" She cried out, running to the bottom of the stairs a moment later. _

_**How can I decide what's right?  
When you're clouding up my mind  
Can't win your losing fight all the time  
Not gonna ever own what's mine  
When you're always taking sides  
You wont take away my pride  
No not this time  
Not this time **_

Alice heard someone call her name. Remus maybe? Sirius? She wasn't entirely sure; she hadn't been paying much attention to anything lately, let alone this morning. She couldn't even remember getting here, to the station. Everyone was one big blur to her these days.

She felt Remus kiss her cheek and took a long moment before looking after him. Oh yes, he was going off to be with his _girlfriend_. Alice tried hard not to be bitter at the thought, but it still stung. He'd been so easy to throw her to the side for 'her own good', but this Dorcas he was willing to put in harm's way? What a load of bull.

_**How can I decide what's right?  
When you're clouding up my mind  
Can't win your losing fight all the time  
You wont take away my pride  
No not this time**_

She'd love to throw her relationship with Frank into his face, but she didn't have the strength to try. Not to mention, was Frank even speaking to her? She couldn't even remember the past few weeks very well, she wouldn't be surprised if he'd moved on. Had she even seen him?

She recalled only brief moments; Sirius' failed memory charm, their lie to James' father, the Aurors, even Dumbledore. She remembered throwing up in the bushes outside of her house when she'd realized what they'd have to do.

_**How did we get here?  
I used to know you so well  
How did we get here?  
Well, I think I know **_

_Alice stared at her father's body for a long moment, not finding a pulse. She looked at Sirius, shaking her head._

_"I-it was an accident. Sirius he- I was just trying to get away from him." She told him, covering her mouth, tears in her eyes, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to." She told him, wondering if anyone would believe her. She was too young for Azkaban, this wasn't her fault._

_She looked back at Sirius. "You believe me, right? You-Sirius, you're the only one who knows how he is that won't lie about it." She knew full well how well the family hid these things and Alice didn't talk about it, Sirius had only been unlucky enough to witness it throughout their lives.___

_**The truth is hiding in your eyes  
And its hanging on your tongue  
Just boiling in my blood,  
But you think that I can't see  
What kind of man that you are  
If you're a man at all  
Well, I will figure this one out on my own  
(I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode) **_

_"Alice, put your stuff back up in your room, make it look like you haven't been up there to pack yet. I'm going to go get James' dad. When he asks, we found him like this. Do you understand me?"_

_Alice looked up at him, furrowing her brows. Surely, Sirius wasn't really suggesting this? She couldn't lie, not about this. "Sirius... what are we supposed to tell them when they start asking questions?" She asked, not believing she was thinking of going along with this. If people found out she'd lied about this, she would surely look even guiltier. If she just gave herself up now, she could get away with this, it had been an accident. But... would they still let her into the Auror Academy with an accidental death on her record?_

_Alice felt sick. She was going to lose her breakfast in a moment._

_"You are going to tell them that you found him like this. We got here, and you found him on the floor. He wasn't breathing, and there wasn't a pulse." Alice could feel the seriousness in his tone as his eyes bored into hers. "That's when you sent me after help. Do you understand, Alice?_

_I will modify your memory if I have to, Alice, but we can't tell them what really happened."_

_Sirius was trying to protect her, she knew as much. Alice nodded, barely making it outside to the bushes, emptying the contents of her stomach. ___

_**How did we get here?  
I used to know you so well  
How did we get here?  
Well, I think I know**_

_**Do you see what we've done?  
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves  
Do you see what we've done?  
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves **_

Alice jumped a bit, realizing the loud noise was only the sound of someone's trunk. She ignored the looks that were sure to be thrown in her direction. She knew everyone was worried, they all assumed she was like this because of her father's death, they were half right. She hated the pity in their eyes, she didn't deserve it.

She hadn't wanted to lie, but who would have believed her? She still wondered if Sirius really believed it was an accident. She wasn't going to destroy her future simply because of something she'd done to defend herself.

Still, she couldn't fight off the guilt that weighed heavily on her soul; the guilt that made her sick each and every morning and that ate away at her during the day. The best way to ignore it was to let herself drift off into nothingness.

She wanted so badly to confess, but she couldn't. Her _family_, she nearly scoffed at the word, they would be sure to put her away. They were the real reason they'd had to lie; Sirius' mum wouldn't have let Alice get away with it, even knowing it was an accident. Sirius would be the only one who could defend her if it came to it, and who would take the words of two seventeen-year old students? Alice never spoke of the things her father did and while the family knew how he could be, especially after a few drinks, they wouldn't help her, of course not, she was the blood-traitor. __

_**How did we get here?  
I used to know you so well  
How did we get here?  
Well, I used to know you so well **_

And Frank....

She needed to find Frank.

He was the only thing that mattered now. She had nothing left; Sirius, her friends, yes, but they couldn't make her feel the way that she needed to feel; only Frank could do that.

_**I think I know  
I think I know  
There is something that I see in you  
It might kill me I want it to be true**_

Alice could feel a bit of her blood boiling and her eyes snapped open, she felt awake for the first time in weeks.

She stood, ignoring the looks. She was sure everyone would be surprised to see her looking alive.

"Where's Frank?" She asked; her voice cracking. When had been the last time she'd used it? It didn't matter, she needed _something_, and the only person she wanted to make her feel anything was Frank. Somehow, she'd known that all along.

She'd tell him the truth and if he'd still have her, she was going to make up for the past few weeks. She was sure she'd either been scaring the hell out of him or frustrating him. She'd make this right. She had to; she'd done all of this to protect her future, he was a part of that, somehow, and she was going to fight for it. __

_**I think I know  
I think I know  
There is something that I see in you  
It might kill me I want it to be true **_


End file.
